In this lesson we look at what is a common disorder that is often shrouded in mystery and falsehood.  Most commonly referred to as vaginismus but also known as vestibulitis where the symptoms are similar. In fact, the two are quite distinct.  Vestibulitis may lead to vaginismus.

By definition, it is a pathological fear of being penetrated and any attempt to insert a finger or sexual intercourse results in pain and distress.

The standard references to this condition would have us believe that it is uncommon, affecting only a small percentage of the population and some give the figure of 1% and others at 3%. With a Western World population in excess of 3 billion, that is a vast number of cases and a considerable number of people living with this tremendous affliction.

When we consider that only 10% of such cases are reported and diagnosed, then the problem assumes monstrous proportions.

It is only in the West that such a condition is even recognised and recorded with a possible scenario of diagnosis and recommendation for treatment. There are no figures that I can find for the rest of the world. A search of Google or MSN give thousands of sites purporting to deal with this subject and only one or two actually get to grips with it.

In the main, the subject is taboo and the investigation of it is shrouded in ’do’s and don’ts’ for the practitioner to observe and protect his/ her insurance or the risk of a complaint of assault.

This has meant that women who suffer do so in silence. Often they are virgins before marriage and accept it as normal that they are to be hurt during sex.

Often the man involved knows nothing as the woman hides her pain and anguish leading to despair and sometimes, suicide.

If the woman were to raise any suggestion of the problem, she is often told that she is frigid, that she is not normal and ‘what the hell did I marry you for if I can’t have sex’.

In a partnership where the couple are not married, the woman will often hide the problem from all but a trusted friend in case the man runs away. The trusted friend is often the worst one to turn to through ignorance and prejudice. The lack of understanding the problem is the problem.

Often the partnership may proceed well until one partner has sex with another person. Quite often, the man is away from home and has what he perceives as a quickie, with no harm done and walks away from the brief dalliance without a second thought. Fine so long as he does not confess it to his woman or she finds out.

Sometimes, the man will tell all if he thinks that the ‘other woman’ is likely to spill the beans. He will tell to put the case in his own way first. What happens after that depends on the response. If she say’s ‘Oh well, another 6 and you will catch me up’ then they may prefer to carry on with a loose arrangement and be very happy.

If she say’s ‘Get yourself checked out at the VD clinic before you even touch me ever again’ there may be a problem. If he has had unprotected sex, then the partnership is as good as over from that point.

You , as my students may already have read the lesson of venereal diseases and be fully aware that some of these can live in the body with no apparent symptoms and no antibody present for years before erupting. Chlamydia is common, so is thrush, AIDS, Uretheritis, genital warts and a whole host of other diseases that are too many to deal with today.

From the point of view of the innocent woman, who may have given up entirely a life of freedom and in love, have committed herself to one man this is betrayal on the most fundamental level. It hits at the core of her beliefs and the trust is gone. Never to return.

The only real solution here is to part company once and for all.

Of course, it is not confined to male infidelity. There is the aspect that a female may be unfaithful and be so filled with remorse that she will not want sex with anyone ever again

Otherwise, she may find extreme and hitherto unfound pleasures from a considerate alternative partner. She may then find her own partner boring, out of shape, unattractive or not smelling as good as he could. These are all turn off’s. She may simply have lost interest and be blaming the fact on to a condition that does not in reality, exist.

Her partners personal habits may be unclean, he may fart in bed, he may not wash his hands or backside, he may be embarrassing in company or when drunk, he may not keep appointments when she expects to be taken out to the theatre, he may prefer to wash the car on a Sunday rather than stay in bed for a cuddle. She may be simply fed up, on Prozac or tired out from work or the kids and blame a condition that she has heard of which fits the bill.

It is foolish to believe that anything can be done with counselling for all but a small proportion of cases, whether that is directed to one or both partners and in my experience, it only serves to embed the problem. My students and clients report this as fact when questioned on the point. None have reported that any good purpose was served and none completed the course. Many walked out of the arrangement and many remain single for years after.

The common suggestion for treatment is the insertion of gradually increasing plastic expanders into the vagina and tell the woman to relax. As she does so, all the problem miraculously disappear and the couple are re-united in blissful harmony, with all forgiven.

What a load of absolute Balderdash.  I have never know this to happen in the course of years of dealing with this problem. 

I have talked with hundreds of women with this condition over 20 odd years and each has said that this approach is hopeless and does not work. However, they do not go back to complain to the practitioner who writes it up as though it is successful as the couple do not return. In each case that I have examined, the damage does not go away, the woman and the man may come to an agreement that does not involve penetrative sex or for the sake of the children, they stay together and abstain altogether.

Let’s look at what is going on from a different aspect now, that of the fear without betrayal as a cause.

Case A. Young girl, aged 11 years and approaching puberty. Obvious signs are hair under the arms, pubic hair and small amount of breast tissue. Who does she talk to first? Is it her Mum, her Dad or a kid at school. Does she get sex education at school or read it from a magazine. Does she learn from novels, the TV or films. Does she get out from the video store a porno movie or does she go on to the internet. Does she live in an enlightened household or in the midst of fear, distrust and religious dogma.

Does the girl have any pre-warning of what is to happen from an older sister or friend? Does she overhear stupid comments made by stupid people. Is she the victim of prejudice and absolute idiocy on the part of a teacher or another parent. Whatever you put in to the child below the age of 3 and a half is pure emotion and as such is not recalled except as unconscious trauma. After 4 and a half, there is a mixture of emotion and learned reaction of appraisal ability. Easier to deal with and more able to be recalled. However good you are as a parent, the child is exposed to remarks that could well damage them for life.

The comments made to boys by their fathers is quite often found to be fundamentally flawed by embarrassment, ignorance and quite often a male view that is hopelessly wrong. ‘Don’t touch a woman in that week, you will catch the pox and die’ as well as other such but unprintable comments. These are crude, obscene and do nothing for the understanding that gets passed on to the young girl. The attitudes that give rise to these comments are difficult to understand.

Males exposed to this sort of upbringing have no comprehension of what it is like to be a female and do not want to know.  They sometimes exhibit an almost phobic disregard as though it will affect their masculinity to begin to comprehend.

Children as young as 3 experiment, especially where there is an older sibling or access to others in a situation where they can play unattended. The child may see nothing wrong in this and in the main, these things are forgotten. Even where same sex experiments last into junior school, they are dealt with as part of growing up and dismissed that everyone did it.

If the act is discovered, teachers have a duty to inform the parent. Then the Social services get involved. Then the family history is examined. Then sanctions are imposed and threats. Suddenly, the whole thing is a major concern and the child becomes fascinated by the effect. The child then seeks to use the act or even the mention of it to shock or dismay. There may be animosity between the two families and this leads to violence. All for a child’s curiosity. Each case must be dealt with on it’s own merit but tact and diplomacy are the key words. If a child is not dealt with correctly, often they will repeat the act.

In schools, mixed class education has led to a lowering of standards of respect. In many instances, girls are not now taught the niceties or the facts of life from a womanly point of view. The sex education is neutral and factual without the finesse or compassion that was the case in previous generations.

I have every sympathy for parents who do not want their 8 year old told about vaginal sex.

Women’s groups in their search for equality have denied women the respect that was once the case.

Fear has taken over in the mind’s of many parents who tell the girl, if you come home pregnant, then pack your bags and go. The financial burdens of looking after a daughter’s child are too much to bear for many and cannot be done. Abortion and adoption are suggested and there are now more terminations in Britain that at any time. The exact figures will never be known, but since the legislation of the 1960’s millions have been dealt with in this way.

If they pursue war criminals for killing a few hundreds and denying them their human rights, why did the legislation for legalised abortion ever get on to the statute book?

It is against this background that the young child tries to learn what is right and wrong. What is learned now will determine the attitudes for ever.

I have every sympathy for the movements who watch for the second coming of the Messiah and fear that the foetus will be destroyed. Who knows what has been lost to the world or what setbacks mankind has suffered by the loss of one mind.

The case for total monogamy and absolute trust in one’s partner is now far more important than ever. The risks of multi sex partners relationships are now too great. How then is a person to gain experience? Only with good education, careful practices and a code of ethics with absolute adherence to the good conduct code that says ‘never take risks‘.

What if this young girl is told that sex is against the tenets of her religious upbringing and that all men are dirty, only seeking one thing and she is never to offend God by having sex?

Does she then disobey at the risk of her eternal soul? Does she then become a total man hater ? Does she then become a nun? What is she to do?

What catastrophic apparent sin may inadvertently be committed by even the most simple and innocent act of touching or playfulness. This child is damaged and may be beyond repair, created by the very society that is designed to protect her interests. They may meet the one person who can help them purely by chance.

Case B

Young girl aged 12 having been raped by a family member, constantly abused throughout childhood from the age of 3 and being aware that her mother has condoned the abuse and actually participated.

In this case the mental abuse is as bad as the physical and the girl will have been told to keep her mouth shut, that this is normal and not to talk about it, every body does it and that is what she was born for.

She will be an underachiever at school, mentally disturbed and suddenly, a social worker twigs what is going on. Both parents are hauled into court and sentenced for 5 years. They co-operate with the Police and are deemed to be of diminished responsibility and get a light sentence after psychiatric reports.

She is now left totally alone, in a world of foster care and regulations with no prospect of ever seeing her parents again for the next 5 year ( or three with probation for good behaviour) and having to adjust to new values and to keep her past from common knowledge. Her name is changed and she is moved to another town.

What is her attitude to sex?

How do you tell her to stick a plastic thing inside herself and all will be well?

How could you possibly help that person?

How could you begin to understand what it feels like to be that person?

Case C

Young girl, aged 19-20 and in a constant relationship with a good and trustworthy bloke who is also a virgin, an attractive, good looking virgin maiden who is healthy and well adjusted in her attitudes, well brought up in a liberal middle class atmosphere, University educated to graduate 2:1, in a good job and happy.

Unknown to her, she has a bladder infection and is has spread with the consequence that she is too dry for sex. The usual stimuli do not release the oxytocin and vaginal fluids. The first time she tries sex, it hurts her. The boy does not have any prior sex knowledge and fails when he realises that she is hurt. He feels unworthy and she feels well let down, big time.

All her imagined expectations have come to naught.

This is vaginitis and it is very common. They try again and the same thing happens. They talk to friends and ‘ No, that has never happened to me’ ‘ Don’t you fancy him?’ ‘He’s a boy, go and get a man’ ‘You’re a virgin? How unusual’.

Worse still for many is the thought that they may actually prefer a same sex relationship. Having no experience, what trauma will they go through before someone actually tells them the truth and how to deal with the problem. Others may face that as a truth and be very happy for the awakening.

The road to ruin is paved with good intents.

Against these extremes and within the whole picture, there are a heck of a lot of well adjusted people who are sufficiently experienced and strong enough to cope with all of this and get joy and fun from sex. They, if asked will give good answers when approached by any of the cases above and do an excellent job of guiding the young and inexperienced through the traumas.

These people do more good than all the crappy professionals who have never experienced it for themselves, do not know what it feels like and are too concerned with saving their face and protecting their insurance to deal with the matter.

The only therapist, male or female who can deal with this problem is one who has been there and read the book, got the Tee shirt and survived. Deemed to failure are the self important, smug, pretentious do-gooders that see this as a means of promoting their own importance. The attitude of ‘Poor dears’ is prevalent and so too is the expression ‘ How can anyone understand what they are feeling? What an awful problem. Let’s have another sherry and imagine what it is like.’

How on earth can they understand or begin to think that they have the knowledge and humility to deal with this. It is such attitudes that prevent any recovery. As my students, you are exposed to a great deal that is not taught to others and you have unique abilities. Otherwise you would not be my students.

90% of the problem is lack of trust. A therapist who has the ability to inspire trust is more likely to succeed than one who does not have that gift.

The methods of Chi-do Chi Kung Massage allow the therapist to build the self esteem of the client and to build a unique trust basis within which all things can be said and discussed openly.

Language and the words used are crucial to this and a certain amount of base realism is called for.

This condition must be faced for what it is and it must not be obscured in a load of platitudes, protocols and so called finesse. It is a problem at the base roots of who we are, how we react and our attitudes.

When first disclosed to the therapist, the first thing is to remove any possibility of anyone going anywhere near the entrance. Not in word, thought or deed.  Take the possibility away by a clear and distinct statement that 'No-one is to touch you for any reason at all.  Apart from cleaning yourself, that is it, end of story.'   Take away the pressure and as time goes by there will be a calming of the whole attitude.  It may take months and you must be patient.  The only time that is going to open to anyone is when the woman is well and truly ready.

Do not ever be tempted to 'deal with the problem' as if you are expected to wave a magic wand. It will not work if you are impatient or allow the patient to be so or to allow her to be pressurised.

When the trust is there, the patient will sometimes ask the therapist to open up the entrance of the vagina. The release is done with acupressure points. These are predominantly the same ones as are used for impotence, loss of libido and trigger points in the region of the sacrum.  The bulbospongiosus muscle and the urogenital diaphragm have to retract spontaneously. This can be achieved with trigger points. 

The entry of fingers is facilitated with oils and, to protect the practitioner, a thin surgical glove so that the sensation is kept as near as possible to the real thing.

At this point, and that may be a year after the first consultation, there must be no mistakes. It must be done at that moment and it must be done with humour and gentleness, as a friend in spirit. Remove all thoughts of sex from the equation and there is no cause for trauma.

Once done, the originating problem can be seen clearly and dealt with.

The woman has her confidence restored and will never again think that there is anything wrong with her. The scene is set for a fulfilling and happy life ahead. Freedom is the key, freedom from the oppression that this condition inspires. Freedom from conditioning.

I have found no other method as successful.

Within this lecture, I have looked at attitudes and conduct that breed total anathema to certain acts and you can apply these same pretexts to other aspects of life.

I have not touched upon the other causes of this condition where a woman may have some resentment or embarrasment at having had treatment for some gynaecological reason.  This is quite another matter and one that I will deal with in the classes at another time.  Many women cannot tolerate the methods of inspection by vaginal speculum and some may have had operations for one reason or another.  Where the womb has been removed, the loss of libido and sense of femininity may be lost.  This is a serious problem that has to be dealt with on it's own merit and one may not generalise but much of what has been said here does apply.  The remedy is not always apparent and may take years of careful discussion and restoration of the female psyche.  Androgeny is not the sort of release many believe it to be.  This is also true of those in early menopause and suffering from lack of oxytocin.  The only glands to produce vaginal fluid seem to be the ones around the cervix.  Few women flow from the lining of the vagina.

The psychological basis of this lecture is applicable to all situations where acts done in the past give rise to trauma in the present. Face things for what they are and treat them with good common sense and genuine love of all being.

Often those who have been through this will be of immense help to others. In the teachings that I give, all is positive and all adversity turned to advantage and good use. A preparation for helping others.

Know yourself well and thereby know others.

Discussion and further tuition in class.